I’m currently aspiring to expand my mind. It’s a new phase that has me doing a lot of reading lately. And actually, I’m happy about that. I missed reading. This change has caused me to make time for that again, because I want to feed my mind to change my mindset.
Rom 12:2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
I am understanding this scripture more and more these days. Being caught up in the culture and the distractions is a state of conformity that I’m not interested in. So I’m trying to wean myself away from certain things, particularly certain media things that are not part of what I need to put my message out there.
Renewing your mind is a great process, and there’s so much to learn. There are so many areas to grow oneself. My only issue with all of this, is that I think I used to be tougher. What I mean is…I used to be able to contain myself, and hide my emotions to some degree. They were on lockdown. I had a lot of self-control, wherein very little phased me.
Considering my testimonies, my family and friends were always surprised by my lack of worry or failure to freak out during some of the situations that they thought were very difficult to handle; the ones they were certain they could never have handled.
Now, it irks me to no end that despite the character building that I’m experiencing, which I like; I’m becoming an emotional mess! Now, all sorts of things make me cry. I am not opposed to crying when needed, but I’m bugged and frustrated that now. I feel like one of those weepy, over-emotional people who cry on the drop of a dime. I never liked that, so the fact that I can’t seem to contain my emotions really annoys me to no end.
I know that it is the layers that the books I’m reading and the info I’m getting are peeling back. I’m not as closed off as I used to be. I’m becoming a little more vulnerable again, and compassionate, and although my spirit is growing, my flesh most certainly is not liking it.
My ability to be consistent has always been a battle, but now, it seems that I have become consistently weepy. I have been progressing slowly, and that has been a frustration as well, because I look at the progress of others around me, and stupidly, compare myself to them. My problem has been (past tense) my patterns. I’m one of those people, who can get focused for a period of time, and then…life just interferes, and I completely get off track. I guess many people are like that. When there is too much to focus on, it can be that way.
What I’m learning now, is that I don’t have to be perfect. I used to think as if my imperfections were reasons not to do something; that it wouldn’t be accepted and acceptable because I wasn’t. I just wasn’t perfect enough. I never realized that I had this perfectionism bug, but I now think there are levels to this.
It’s not that I needed to be perfect in everything. I’m not that sort of perfectionist. My fear had more to do with public things, like what I do online. Like my writing. Like the fact that I have wanted to go viral for 2 years now, but felt intimidated because I was conforming to the media’s projected standard of what’s cool or perfect. Like the fact that so many people seemed to understand the flow of how to do this blogging thing, and I still feel like I’m in the slow lane on it.
I confessed this fear of mine to my mentors, and they flipped the script on me by saying, “There are people out there that are waiting for you…for the unique information you have to share. They’ve been searching for it, and you need to get it out there, because there are people who need it.”
I remember reading a book a while back called, “I became a Christian and all I got was this lousy Tee-shirt.” It was an amusing book, and the pastor that wrote it has a sort of wacked sense of humor, but he does make his points.
As much as I can remember he was talking about walking with speed, versus walking with love. I guess it’s our goal-making mentality that causes us to place time restraints on everything. His example was when his sister’s baby had died, and he took the opportunity to minister to his mother and brother-in-law. He had an entire speech ready when he went into the hospital to be there for his sister, who had asked him to try to speak to them. None of it mattered. They were unmoved.
His wife went and was just there, and even after he left and flew back home, she stayed an extra week, just being there for them. His point was that his method was walking with speed, and hers was walking with love, because she demonstrated her faith by her actions, not by words. He figured that long term, she would have a greater effect than he did.
What was my point? I said this to point out the fact that those of us who aspire to something, like the fantastic organizational skills we see in others; are, in our backwardness, seeking to become goal-setting, everything-in-its-proper-place, perfect people, when in reality, God calls us to live life moment by moment, and not to sweat the small stuff. He calls us to walk in love, not speed.
I’ve seen a lot of nice pics showing a beautiful apartments and homes even from people I know. I, in my muddle of misery at my lack of organization, have looked at these pics and thought, “Why can’t I have a beautiful, spotless place like that?” Actually, some of those images are so spotless, they don’t look lived in, which is sort of the point. They are models for magazines. I’d rather have my home look lived in, than like a museum.
But I’ve seen the people, or moms that seem like they are just amazing with organizing. For instance, there are these moms out there that have 7 or more children, and they have their homes completely organized, clean…they have a system for those kids and the family. These are the women who have quintuplets all natural, no C-section, and no pain killers. Those are the ones that I look at and say, “Wow. Your more woman than me, cause I could never do this.”
Now admittedly, part of the problem, aside from too many things on the platter, is some degree of laziness, but that’s not the total issue. The real thing is, my focus is different, and because super moms are promoted in the media. Women that love being the housewife, or the super hostess always seem to be the ideal. I just don’t fit that ideal.
This is why I’ve determined that I actually need to be wealthy; because I have always known that there were so many more interesting things to be doing than to be bothered with something like housework, and I’d rather pay for catering. I do like things neat and organized, but I see no need for me to have to be the one to do all of that all of the time. I’m not the queen of domesticity.
So I’ve decided to not only stop focusing on what is not my forte, but to stop beating myself up in my self-talk about it. I’d rather focus on my strengths, instead of my weaknesses.
It’s like I always tell my son. We are all plants. When I try to get him to understand about his food choices, I tell him this. But I’ve also used this analogy in another context. Yes, we are all plants. We are beings of energy; the same energy that exists on this earth in everything around us. The same energy that plants reach skyward to absorb from the light of the sun.
And like plants, there are millions of species, each having a specific function and purpose. And all of them are able to grow and live and thrive on this same earth. Some have to be planted in certain areas, in certain types of soil, and in certain atmospheres, because they grow best in those areas.
This is like all of us. There are some plants that have a specific purpose for creating or demonstrating beauty. Then, there are some that function to control the bug population, by being natural predators for them. There are some that function to give covering, shade for us. Some function to give certain natural chemicals that can heal us. Some function to give food for us. There are many varieties, functions, and purposes, yet all are useful when they stay within their purpose, and function as designed.
So basically, I just need to renew my mind on this, and develop some self-talk that is uplifting me in my purpose and for my function, because I don’t have to be like anyone else. In fact, I like being unique and different. And it is time for me to move past this struggle, so forward I go…
Phl 3:14 I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.