I felt the need to explain, because as some of you are aware, I have been somewhat absent…floating periodically, intermittently here for a few moments, but not in concentrated form. I’m somewhat fluid at the moment, but that is how I have to be. When you are out on a limb, holding on for dear life…you have to trust in that branch…the strength of vine you are attached to; there has to be an exercise in faith. Periodically, I’m stretched on the limb…with my legs still holding on, but my arms flying free…like I’m pedaling a bike with no hands on the handle bars.
Other moments, I’m holding on with some trepidation, not sure if I will slip; and if I slip from the limb, how far I will fall, and furthermore, how I will land. One always hopes to land on their feet in these situations, and I’m no different. Thing is, I know this is another God challenge. He wants me closer. I realize this. It’s always a faith test. I both like and loathe these moments of testing. And the thing is, I know that I know that He’s going to bless me out of this situation. I know the blessing will be major and my security will be restored, but sometimes I question Him on why the struggle is necessary. It’s the waiting that gets me.
I have long told Him that I do not like living in earth time, because earth time causes anxiety, especially in the US, where everything has been the Burger King slogan of “Have it your way,” for so long. Unfortunately, I grew up in an ever increasing era of instant returns; and this sort of habitual lifestyle not only leaves much to be desired, but also, in the Kingdom of God, causes suffering when we strive to move, exist and function within not only His will, but also, His time.
This is why I despise earth time. It causes a certain level of expectation that is dangerous. It causes frustration and inner strife because my spirit and mind are willing to deal with the turmoil of waiting in God’s time, but my circumstance and economics, in which lies deadlines and creditors with timed dictated billing; are not willing. The pressure exerted as a result of these two opposing fractions sometimes results in brain strain, as a bunch of “What if?” questions begin to make their appearance in my synapses; and then I start to battle with disappointment, which is the birth mother of depression and depair if not put in check in time.
In times like that…it feels as if the limb I’m hanging on to is 40 feet from the ground… wherein efforts to disembark have the potential to result in serious calamity. All I can do in such times is call on God, because what else is there? Who else is there? I cannot rely on the integrity of mankind, because mankind does not always act with integrity or charity for that matter. Who else can I depend on? I am a single mom with a slightly disabled teen to care for and educate so that he is ready and able to manage his life when I am no longer here to support him. That is my chief concern.
There are no guarantees in life…only in Christ, therefore, knowing that God knows my heart, this is all I can do…put my faith and trust in Him. And, I refuse to believe that God would bring me this far, to just abandon me in my time of need. In fact, I know for a fact He is not like that. When I think about everything He’s been showing me…the ideas and the direction…the guidance. He’s been educating me and growing me in courage. He’s not going to let me fall now.
Today I suffered a small setback, but it was due to simple miscommunication. I’m not angry nor upset, but just a bit disappointed because of the expectation I had. It is no one’s fault. And I know that the expectation I had will be filled, its just not now. I’m having to learn to live in “Yes, but not right now,” and that ain’t easy, let me tell you. Its even harder to accept when you know that you have the skills to move into the lifestyle/career you seek…the direction you foresee; and you see others speeding past you and arriving sooner. You start to wonder what is wrong with you, and why you aren’t getting there as fast.
This is my problem. God is always having to slow me down. One time, I was pushing so much, trying, unconsciously, to get ahead of God; that He literally had to stop me. That was the year I had the double fracture to my knee and ankle. When He wants you to stop, He will stop you. I had to have 2 surgeries and was wheelchair bound for 5 months with an immobilizer on my left leg, and still had several months of recovery…relearning to walk subsequent to that.
Right now…I’m not writing much because He has me other focused. I’m clearing up some things that have long needed addressing, and He’s clearing the red tape that is holding up my blessing. I know this because number one, two or more agreed on it. Secondly, I already knew the blessing was on the way, I just have to wait on Him. Three, I’ve already begun thanking Him for it; and four, a segment was released already after a discrepancy was caught by a government official, who informed me that someone had tried to steal my son’s identity for benefits.
Naturally, my son was furious, but I explained to him that it was a blessing because after doing some checking, I discovered that it was someone homeless who had found his ID that I lost over a year ago and reported. This person apparently waited for a long time before attempting this, and they caught this shortly after I filed on behalf of my son. So its all good.
Like I said, God is working it out…clearing the cobwebs out of the systems, and eliminating the people and issues that are causing the delay. I just have to continue my walk of faith, and give Him time to take care of it…and I will. And when its more or less settled…when my situation is a bit more viable…you will see me in here….in earnest, as I’m sure I will have plenty to testify about, concerning how wonderfully I have been blessed. In the meantime, until we meet again…peace and blessings.